I haz anxiety.

Full-on separation anxiety coupled with a resentful attitude towards the rest of the world - particularly my husband, the poor ass. Let me first start this post by telling you I'm typing with one hand. The other is currently cradling the baby at my breast. She's gotta eat, I have to blog. Win win. Too bad I should be getting rest .... Oh, well there's always coffee.

Now, about this anxiety bullshit. This kid can't be in another room without me wanting to have a breakdown. Especially if she is awake. I know my child is only 2 months old but I can't help but feel the constant need to make sure she is entertained. I also need to know that she knows I'm here and haven't left her. All someone had to do was tell me that babies fear being left alone and that was it. Forget the fact that I know when she throws her little hands up while she's sleeping that means she thinks she's falling. I die. Seriously.

Ok, back to the anxiety. I also have it when she's with me. For instance, right now she's is swaddled and I can't help but think over and over: is she comfortable? is she hot? cold? does she have a full belly? of course she does, she just ate. is her reflux bothering her? she didn't burp, she needs to burp. why won't she sleep. she needs to sleep. poor thing has been up for the last two hours. do i need to change her diaper again. maybe i'll change it just so its fresh. This b.s. goes on and on and on and on until I finally drive myself up the wall or snap on my husband - which ever inevitably comes first. Last few times I've snapped on hubby who has been at the tippy top of my shit list since his beautiful daughter entered this world.

I have to say that I am one of the lucky ones. He changes diapers, helps clean up after dinner, helps around the house and all that good stuff, but dammit, he can be a mega a-hole when he wants. Granted, we all can. But shit ... this guy is good at it. Instead of just letting me rant and rave and taking me snapping on him like a man, he fights back... hard. NOT what I want or need. Just come over and say, "Babe, let me take the baby from you that's been screaming and/or wiggling since 4am. Get some rest and clear your head." But noooooooooooooooooooooo. I get the yelling back hubby and that, of course, starts WW3. FAB.

So my anxiety right now is eating into everything. Yes, it's only been 2 months but this is hard. Like really ridiculously hard and I don't want to go back to work but I may have to and the thought of leaving her with anyone just kills me and .. ugh. I need to go to bed. My head is going to explode.