The Sleep Chronicles Part 69,573,658

I've lost track.

I close my eyes at night and an hour feels like minutes. I get up with Layla at 5:45 am, before the sun has risen, and I excitedly think it's only 3. So I make her another bottle and snuggle back under the covers while she fidgets and squirms and whines. But I know it's not 3 because I was up with her at 3... and 1:30 before that... and 11 before that... and she only went to sleep at 9:30 after I rocked her and walked her and pushed her in her stroller. At some point I threw my hands up to God and said, "give me the patience to not put my head through the wall." And I walked and rocked some more, trying in vain to put my restless child to sleep. God love her for fighting it to the bitter end.

Why I'm up at 10 when she has ACTUALLY been sleeping since 8 is unbeknowst to me. Sitting here in my plaid PJs writing when I should be taking advantage of the sleeping babe in her crib. But I no longer know what to do anymore. The dark circles under my eyes have taken over my face. I now look like a tired mom weathered by the last 10 months of sleepless nights. My guilt for weaning is now 10-fold due to the fact that formula has not helped Layla's sleeping habits.

She wakes at least 4 times a night and refuses to nap. There are days when I simply don't like being a mother. There are days I run out the door to go to work for 5 hours just so I don't have to hear the non-stop whines of an over tired baby. On days that she does nap, she is a delight. Damn near perfect, and for a baby that lacks in sleep most days, she still is very happy and content - save for the never wanting to be put down part, but that is mostly due to being so very very sleepy. And I'm tired, too. So much to the point that my patience is short in the middle of the night. How can my patience be short with my 10 month old? How can I think of wanting to yell and be angry at someone who simply doesn't understand? But I DON'T UNDERSTAND. I feel helpless. What am I doing wrong? WHY won't she just sleep? My frustrations are indirect.

So here I sit. Eyes heavy from a long day. Back achy from carrying around my beautiful child, and I think to myself: sleep or no sleep, I should be grateful. And I am... but I'm tired.















I'm not sugar coating anything here, as you can see. Motherhood is NOT all puppies and rainbows and butterflies... & anyone who tells you it is, is either lying or high... or possible both.