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"Yes, you can lose somebody overnight, yes, your whole life can be turned upside down. Life is short. It can come and go like a feather in the wind." - Shania Twain

The room was filled with quiet chatter. Groups of people, all in black, sat around the large room. You couldn't quite hear what was being spoken but you knew by the looks on their faces. They spoke in that small undertone voice when trying to be quiet but still wanting to be heard. Chairs were lined in rows of five, one in equal distance to the next. Bouquets of flowers lined the walls in various heights giving off that distinct scent that makes your nose curl up. A large wooden cross hung from a wall on the far end of the room; under it sat an older lady, her head hung low and cupped into her hands, a rosary beaded through her fingers.

A wood casket sat at the front of the room. The peaceful sleeping face of a teenager facing up to his Creator; his hands laid gently on his chest and fingers nails still dirty from the weekend work on cars with his father. A red flannel button down, his favorite covered his still body, to keep him warm on his journey. Different items were being laid to rest with him: pictures of friends, sisters, cousins - company, I assumed, and so he could remember their faces, as we would always remember his. Someone had put a toothbrush there for him - apparently they thought personal hygiene was equally as important in Heaven. Only special people were able to see his face one last time. A young girl of about 12 sat in the front row of chairs, she fell to her knees at her last goodbye. The breath sucked out of her lungs, mouth open but no sound. The tears came later when she was able to pick her self back up into the loving and protective arms of her mother who kept saying, "He is here. He is watching over you."

They sent him away with tears of grief and sadness, tears of love and faith, tears of hope that one day they would again hear his infectious laugh, and see his sandy blonde hair and bright smile that filled a room with so much warmth that it was hard to ignore.

15 years later we know you are still watching over us, Nicholas. We find your feathers and know you are walking next to us, quietly holding our hands and guiding our paths. You are every where - we breathe you in every morning when we are blessed to open our eyes and take in another day.

Today we celebrate your life, though short it was full of everything one could ever hope for.

Rest in peace, Nicholas.

Let's play ketchup...

... or catch up? <-- that was me trying to be funny. As Mr G would say, "not so much." At 9.5 months Layla is: - waving bye-bye (and sometimes saying bye-bye!). - clapping. - crawling. everywhere. all the time. - standing up on her own. - pulling the cats' tails (I can tell that they are THRILLED with this new development & yes, I do stop her). - came in at 19lbs (50%) & 29in (90%) at her 9 month well-baby this afternoon. - figured out how to babble ("babababababababababa") and now won't shut up, but I love it and could listen to her all day. We also have a HUGE announcement to make in the next few weeks! No, I'm not pregnant, however I can tell you this announcement will definitely lead to more pregnancies. Hopefully :)

No more boob, baby

While in Toronto I decided that it was time to wean. Layla's sleeping habits were causing me to go nuts. I found my self in a state of exhaustion pretty much all day. I would get frustrated when her naps would only last 30 minutes because she would wake up looking to nurse. Same goes for the evening. Basically, lack of sleep was causing me to be not the best mommy I could be, and I think that's probably to be expected. When you're running on only 5 hours of interrupted sleep a night something eventually has to give. What gave was my boob.

The first night in Toronto I just experimented. I wasn't 100% set on weaning, but rather just wanted to see what would happen. That night she slept for 6 straight hours. SIX. Uninterrupted glorious hours. The next night the same. So on and so forth. She is still getting up at least once for a little filler at night after her first stretch, but then goes back down for at least another 6. IT'S AMAZING. Last night she went from 8:30-4:30. HELLO fabulous! Then slept from 4:30-7:30. Granted we have regressed back into co-sleeping.

As much as I am enjoying these blissful nights of sleep, I am a little sad that we are no longer breastfeeding. Besides the fact that formula breaks the bank (Oh, hi $30+ every week), I've been an advocate of nursing for the first year and it was extremely important to me. I'm proud that I got to 9 months, but I can't shake that feeling of 'failing' that I think every mother who wants or wanted to nurse has. I'm sure I would've felt this way even at a year when I planned on weaning, as it seems this feeling is pretty inevitable. The simple fact is that I had to get sleep to be a good mommy & I feel like I'm justifying my decision. I'm sure with time I'll get used to not nursing, and I'm sure with even more time I'll enjoy the fact that I have my body back :)

Anyway, here are some more fun pictures from Toronto!

Toronto fun!

We're finally back from Toronto! We had a minor detour in NYC because of weather and flight cancelations, but no fear - we are back! & with lots and lots of pictures! Here's the first bunch:

We hung out on the Lake Shore

We swam in a freezing wading pool! Layla loved it. Other Canadian mother's were giving me the 'crazy mom' eyes because my kid only had on a diaper instead of a full wetsuit complete with booties and hat. Ladies, we're from SoFla. We got this.

One word: SWINGS. Notice the gummy smile. Then die of cutest.

We sat on the Lake Shore again and took a picture of Layla with the city in the background.

Layla told us that the milk mustache was old news and invented the milk beard.

WE FOUND THE STIG!

And played customer service rep at Uncle Sam's house.

This is only a taste of what we did. It was an amazing trip filled with food and fun. Can't wait to go back next year!

Letters to Layla

My little Layla Grace,

You are nine months today! Last month in single digits. How amazing to be able to watch you grow into such a little lady.

We are in Toronto right now and you are loving it here. You can sit outside in grass that doesn't itch (what a novel idea!), you are eating lots of new foods (Farley banana cookies!), and love your cousins (Kristina, Philip & you get to meet Shayana tomorrow!). There is so much for you to do here. Today daddy and I are going to bring you into the city for lunch and shopping at Roots. Saturday we're going to a play called Center Island - it'll be your first ferry boat ride!

In the last month you have grown up so much. Your personality is shining. Family here have commented on how demanding you are. Just know you got that trait from your mother :) You are also by far the most adaptable child I've ever met. You came into your great-aunt and uncle's house and basically made it your own.

You're about 95% weaned now which makes my heart hurt a little bit. Sometimes I'm not sure what is best for you and that scares me. It's my job to protect you and keep you healthy and I'm not always sure what to do. That's part of learning and growing, though. Life is not (and should not) be about knowing what to do every time, each time. Life is about growing and learning and Mommy often has to remind her self of that.

Happy 9 months, my princess! You are the best teacher I have ever had.

The Sleep Chronicles

I think having a child who doesn't sleep is right up there with a colicy newborn as being one of the hardest things to deal with as a parent.

Layla's sleeping has been up and down since the day we brought her home. She slept and then she didn't sleep. She'd pull a random 6 hours out of her and the next night we'd be struggling just to get her down. She has ALWAYS fought Mr. Sandman as if her life were dependent on it. We called our home Club Layla for the sheer fact that is was L 24/7 (don't be fooled, it still is).

Ok, I'm going to get on my own ass here. I think her sleeping issues are because of co-sleeping. I can't be 110% sure, and there are plenty of children out there who get on just fine sleeping in their own beds all.night.long after a successful bout of co-sleeping. So, I can really only speculate (since she may just be a shit sleeper). Layla is currently in her own crib at night, though she is up on average four times & often every hour on the hour other nights. This mommy is at her wits end. Mr G has had to save me a few nights (how lucky is he to have the opportunity to sleep) because I saw a glimpse at how some mothers can go batty in .02 seconds. I'm not one to hold back and will say that I was face to face with my infant and said, "GO TO F TO SLEEP." You know? Kind of like that book that just hit the shelves of Barnes and Noble recently but with just a hint of Joan Crawford.

Sleep deprivation is about as fun as a root canal with no novacaine. Last night I took matter into my own hands and despite everything I am against gave Layla a 7oz bottle of warm formula (Organic, of course, because God forbid I'm one of 'those' mothers)and praise Sweet Baby Jesus she slept from 9pm-3am, nursed (because holy shit I was a freaking faucet & left my pump back home) and slept again from 3-7am. THANK YOU.

We will see how she reacts again tonight, while I sit and regret every minute that I forgot my pump and end up sleeping on my back because my breasts can be used as flotation devices for a full 747.

In other news, Toronto is bad ass. The weather is fab (HELLO 75* days and 65* nights. I lurveeee you) and the food... well, let's just say I brought my belly band for a reason and I'm currently using it.

International baby

We're blogging from Canada! Mr. G Layla and I are in Toronto visiting family. We'll be back next Saturday with LOTS of pictures and Im sure 10lbs heavier :) Oh pardon the lack of commas everything here has the option of French and I have no idea how to make the comma key work on this computer.

Off to eat some Canadian bacon and fresh homemade Italian food!

Prayer for my Daughter

Oh, Tina Fey, I knew there was a reason I loved you. This prayer is from her book Bossypants and defines everything that being a mother to a daughter (hell, just being a mother) is about. It's everything that mother's want to say but don't. I'm a big fan of bittersweet honesty and this is it. Enjoy.


First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, May she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her

When crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels.

What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen. Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever, That she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back.

”My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.



From bolded down is what made my eyes water. I hope one day to write like that again because I know I can. I hope to one day tell a story through with my words the way Tina Fey does - with such sincerity and truth that it smacks you in the face.

Thank you, Tina Fey for making this Mommy cry with happiess and remember that she is good at everything she does.

Letters to Layla

My dearest Layla,

We have been sans internet for about a month. I've been writing to you in my mind and on paper daily. Random notes here and there of things that you do or things I want to say to you (perhaps not now, but in the future). We have moved into a small townhouse that has been nicked named the Treehouse because there is a loft looking down on to the livingroom. You have turned 8 months - actually, you're now 8.5 months old. You are crawling. You are waving goodbye allllllllll the time and when Mommy says, "ciao bella!" When Daddy gets home from work you squeal with such joy. I can see the excitement in your eyes the moment he walks in the door. Daddy is your best buddy. He gives you anything and everything. He loves you with all the he is and more. He would cross the ocean for you just to kiss you goodnight and dry your tears. You've officially mastered your 'pincer grasp' and pick up tiny puff snacks. You're teething here and there, but at 8.5 months you still don't have a tooth (but don't fret my little girl, Mommy was 9 months before I had any teeth :). You have discovered your kitty cats. Rocco and Lucky usually run from you, but Bella will sit and let you pull her tail. You laugh and laugh and laugh at them. They offer much entertainment for you ;)

You are getting so big. The next month is going to bring so much for you. You're first trip to Toronto is coming this Saturday. You're an old pro at flying already! It truly is amazing what a year brings, my darling. This time last year you were cozy inside my belly, listening to my heart beat, kicking me in the ribs. Daddy and I were just over a month away from getting married. Now you are crawling around the house, pulling the DVDs down from the shelf, sitting in your high chair with us at the dinner table and talking to us.

You still love to sleep with your Mommy and Daddy and we cherish every moment of that. You are only little once and we don't want to miss a single second. You love when Mommy singles Silent Night to you. It's your favorite lullaby. You also love any kind of music and have started to dance a little bit. Music does run in your blood and I'm excited to see what your creative talents will be!

Everything we do is for you my love. Some days it is so hard for me to go work. I want to spend each moment of the day with you, but I wanted to show you the world and so I go for a few hours each week to work with airplanes. As I sit there and watch them take off and land I imagine all the adventures we will go on. Off to Australia to visit Aunt Cassidy and to Italy to see your cousins. We're going to travel the world together, Layla Grace. Daddy and I plan to put the world in the palm of your tiny hand.

My dear sweet baby, you are growing to be the most beautiful little girl. You are every wish come true. Daddy and I love you to forever and back.