Burrrr...?

Some days - especially during the winter - I long for the chill in the air that makes your lips chapped and your body shiver. I crave snow. Waking up to a yard full of pure, untouched power that blankets the Earth (& the crunch that goes with it). Hot chocolate. Fire places. Hats. Gloves. Boots. Generally speaking, I miss the damn miserable cold.

Don't ask me to explain to you WHY exactly I'd want to leave SoFla's 75* breezy winters for Long Island's overcast 32*. I can't explain it, but my mind is easily changed - for an afternoon, anyway.

Simply speaking, Mr G and I live in paradise. Yes, yes ... We live where sorry northerners come to vacation. And on this fine new years eve we took full advantage and went downtown.

With the smell of sunscreen in the air, we dipped our feet into the chilly (no, really, it was. I swear) ocean water and had pizza and ice cream outside... In shorts. And t-shirts. And sandals. On new years eve. In 75+* weather ... Wait, someone remind me why I crave the cold? Oh, yeah - because by May it'll be 16647* and we'll be melting, so even the tiniest reprieve is welcome.

Anyway, there is something about the smell of sunscreen... Just as much as there is when it's about to snow. The promise that comfort and familiarity are always around.

Sorry pictures are all at the end. Blogging in bed from my phone ;)

Happy New Year! May 2012 bring dreams come true!

One year of blogging.

I've started a few blogs since the craze hit the interwebz years ago. They all seemed to last about a nano-second before I lost interest, developed writers block, or just ended up not giving a flying you-know-what. This one is different. Maybe because it's based around the coolest (and cutest) little girl I know? Or, maybe because I've found it as an outlet to describe who I am as a mother & who I want to become as a person.

Being a mother (becoming a mother) is about as defining as anything could be. There is a light blub that goes off in your head the first time you hold you little bundle in your arms, and all of a sudden, you 'get it'. You understand what your own mother was talking about. But trying to navigate around your new role in tricky (despite the ever-present light bulb). Each moment is a learning experience. Each hiccup, every cry - being a mother is about growing as a person.

This blog has allowed me to learn, share, & grow. I can go back to posts and read them and see if my perspective has changed. If what I thought 12 months ago still holds true now - and for the most part, it does.

The most amazing thing is seeing how much Layla has grown. How much she has become a little girl and not so much a baby. She has attitude for days, a voice, and a love for music that is so big everyone in her life can tell she will eventually live for it (I tend to think she already does). To know that I am responsible for molding this child, for providing for her, and enriching her life is fullfilling and downright scary.

To write is to continute to document her life, so in 10 or 15 years I can come back to this tiny blog in the corner of the internet and show her that I'm not perfect, that I was still learning...... and that she teaches ME.

You'll shoot your eye out, kid.

It's probably a little ridiculous how excited I get for 24 hours of A Christmas Story. It excites me more than gifts on Christmas day & nutella bread pudding. No, I'm not serious. Okay, maybe just little.

Anyway, it smells like Christmas in our house. Pot Roast going in the oven (in my NEW dutch oven! thanks Mr G), along with an amazing loaf of sausage bread, nutella bread pudding in the crock pot, peppermint ice cream in the freezer. There's tons more food, but I won't get into the messy, yummy details (just remember we're I-talian).

Layla is busy with her new toys & rocking out to Let's Rock Elmo, or whatever his name is. It's a chilly unbelievably warm 80* day outside and we're in the house with the a/c kicked on in shorts and t-shirts. No big deal. Just a typical SoFla Christmas.

So, as another episode of A Christmas Story starts, I sit on the couch and remember WHY we celebrate Christmas in the first place: as an excuse to eat nutella break pudding. :o)

Happy birthday, Jesus!

Lesson in motherhood #756

Don't try and wrap Christmas gifts when your 13 month old is near. What's hers is hers and what's not hers.. Well, that's hers, too. Even is it's a package of mens socks.

& now I have a toddler.

Who doesn't walk & pushes random shit my phone around the floor like it has wheels. At this exact moment she is on her knees pushing around a box filled with DVDs she emptied out of their drawer from the TV stand. Her bottles and sippy cups that I keep nicely stacked in a wicker basket and tossed all over the kitchen floor next to the plastic bottles of spices I keep in a bottom cabinet. She screams "MOM!" from across the room. Right now she is playing with cat food and has avocado in her hair - I should probably get up and stop her before she eats the cat food...... Ok, no cat food eaten. Have I mentioned having a toddler is exhausting? I think quite possibly more so than having a new born. Yes, I'm serious. But my kid doesn't go to sleep until 11 because it's club Layla up in here every night - shit, she's in the cat food again - complete with music and butt wiggling. When I tell her not to do something, she looks back at me with this evil little grin & does whatever I'm telling her not to do anyway - like TOUCH THE EFFING CAT FOOD.

Having a toddler is overwhelming.

Ralph Lauren doesn't appreciate that, Layla.

So Layla's at that age where she likes to crawl around nakie nakie. Trying to change her diaper while she's pretending to be an alligator is a joke, so when she escapes sometimes I don't even try and fight it. Go on with your bad self, I say. Be naked! Be free! And she laughs. Then she pees on my Ralph Lauren down comforter.

Letters to Layla

I need to learn how to stop blogging from my phone, but with your little toddler self all mobile and kid-like, blogging on my phone on the couch while you nap is my only real option.

I'm a little early for your 13 month L2L but I'm usually late, so all is well. In the last month or so you've picked up some amazing things. You love to learn. In a half hour or so you learned where your nose, eyes, and mouth are. You know how to slide and unlock my phone. You attempt to play Angry Birds. You give kisses, blow kisses, and give big bear hugs. You're totally a big kid now. The contrast from last year is incredible. How much you've grown in 12 short months... Daddy and I are beyond blessed to have experienced it.

And then there was Disney (& Harry Potter World)

Ikea epicness

Go to Ikea for a dresser, leave with a circus tent.

No, seriously.

Come one, come all! Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls! I present to you the most amazing Ikea purchase like.... Ever!

Letters to Layla

We are in the car right now heading down to Ikea. You have so much that you need new furniture. I'm not even kidding ;) You're fast asleep in your carseat and look like a big kid.

The last two weeks have been a whirlwind. You turned one, had a birthday party, moved, went to New York for Thanksgiving where you played nonstop with you cousin Lila, and now we are prepping for your first trip to Disney. Even thought you sort of went last year.

It's amazing what a year brings. How much changes. This time last year you slept soundly in my arms all day long. You barely made a peep. You would stare at the lights on the Christmas tree while in your Moses basket. You were brand new.

A year later and you're mastering the world around you. You talk: baba, mama, dada, woowoo, whee and sometimes birdie. You bark? Give everyone a high five, wave and scream at strangers, clap, and dance to Adele like its your job. You have no desire to walk and that's totally fine. Everything in your own time. But... You simply amaze daddy and I on a daily basis. You're full of surprises and wonder. We watch the world thru your eyes and don't know how we ever got so lucky.

Our tiny Grace of God has graced us with much much more than just her presence. You have given us a reason to believe in the impossible. Given us the heart to push through what was told cannot be done. You are a miracle that we've held in our own hands.

There will never be a time that we won't be here for you. Fighting for you. Watching over you. Helping you learn, explore, and thrive. We will put the entire world in your tiny hand. We will love you forever and always.

A little taste of things to come.

The insanity called life.

Every day is something new. Life is unexpected. It greets us every morning with a mischievous grin and turns on it's heels to plot it's next move. Life keeps us on our toes. Busy with existing we fall into the in-between of sitting idle and simply surviving.

I have found lately my in-between is occupied by (with) a 20lb 12 month old who refuses to walk and has more attitude than her 13 year old cousin. It is comprised of naps, silly cartoons, and singing the ABCs while sitting on the floor.

As I listen to her gentle breath and hold her tiny body against mine I wonder if I will ever again feel the warmth of another child. My heart feels selfish for asking, for thinking... But it yearns for the tiny touch of little fingers wrapped around mine.

In the end, I must remember that life is unforseen - it has it's magical ways of surprising and delighting. & even though old issues arise they do not shape me, for I have fought them once before..& life will amaze me once again.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Despite probably not being able to taste anything (thank you to a head cold), I'm very excited for dinner! We're in NY at my older sister's house and thoroughly enjoying the 40 degree weather.

I hope that everyone who reads this little blog has a Thanksgiving full of family, fun, and food. ❤

DIY

Craft skill level: baller

Like Jessie Spano

You know. In the one episode where Zach finds no-dose in her backpack. Then she's all, "I'm so excited!!!!! I'm so scared!!!! There's no time! There's never enough time!!!"

That's me. Right now.

That crazy time of year.

When the shiz hits the fan between making holiday plans, planning a birthday party, a trip to Disney, and a move all in the next month.

Let's break it all down. First Layla's birthday is exactly a week from today {cue hyperventilation}. That means her party is roughly 10 days away. WHA? {cue more hyperventilation} There's still so much to do. Order food. Finish getting decorations. Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc..........

On top of that we're moving into an awesome little condo while we are looking for a house (bc currently we're at my parents and I feel like a vagabond). My BFF owns it(she also happens to be an FABULOUS realtor) & is letting us stay there while we look for a forever home. Since we want to get the most for our money we'll be looking for short sales or foreclosures & that process can take a longgggg time. We're in for the long haul here and uber excited to start searching. We move on the 15.

IN THE MEAN TIME..... We're set to go to NY for Thanksgiving. We're leaving Wednesday or Thursday. Layla has no winter clothes (remember, we live in SoFla?), and while that gives me an excuse to shop, it adds another thing on the endless to-do list.

THEN.... There's Disney on the 9th (possibly 8th if Mr G needs to go up for work)-11th. I'm actually taking a break from researching hotels for the night of the 9th. We get a free room at the Yacht and Beach Club (Thank you to Mr G's job!) the night of the 10th. So far I've booked two character dining experiences and the Very Merry Christmas Parade. HOLLA. All this money & I'm sure Layla is going to cry as soon as she sees The Mouse. Either way, free hot chocolate and cookies? Yes, please.

So, I'm sitting at the kitchen table watching RHOBH reruns on DVR and breathing into a paper bag. I also apologize to my bank account in advance. & to those that may not receive Christmas gifts because we spent too much at the happiest place on Earth.

Arts & crafts

Maybe I'm not totally creatively challenged. What a relief.

Thanks to Pinterest I've got a few arts and crafts and ideas up my sleeve for LG's bday. So after work yesterday the baby bug and I took a trip to Home Depot and Michaels in an attempt to make me look like I know what the heck I'm doing. On the agenda were three terra cotta pots and paint.

$8.22 cents later I felt like a budgeting, creative badass. I took my three pots and painted them green, ivory and pink to match Layla's birthday colors. I got the paint on sale for $1 for 2!

Now can you guess what's going to go inside these pretty pots??

Chinese torture device.

In the last few weeks Layla went from being a happy kid in her carseat to screaming in it like its a torture chamber. This makes driving AWESOME. Nothing keeps her occupied and I've has more than a few bottles, toys and sippy cups throw at my head. Blasting her favorite music (which includes Foster the People, Adele and Rhianna) only occupies her for about .657 seconds when before I could put Adele on repeat and she'd dance in her carseat until she fell asleep.

Maybe this is my first taste of toddlerhood. I don't know. What I do know is this nonsense has to stop and I don't know how to stop it. All my mommy gut attempts have failed. Help?

Any other moms out there with advice? Beside turning the music up and ignoring her... Because that's pretty much where I am now.

For the win.

Because my life isn't hilarious enough.

I left the house this afternoon im my slippers. No, seriously. & I didn't do this on purpose. I swear. I may or may not have finished my errands in Ugg slippers in 80* weather while wearing a sun dress.

And to complete my silly afternoon of baby free running around in wool slippers? A hot gingerbread latte.

Then there was cake.

Boredom mixed with Pinterest and a craving to bake ends in pumpkin spice cake and banana bread.

Pinterest had an awesome recipe with a boxed yellow cake and can of pumpkin. I turned it up a notch by adding ginger, nutmeg, cinnamon, and all spice to give it that pumpkin spice flavor. The pumpkin gave the cake a light, fluffy, moist texture. Sooo good.

Then I realized we had over-ripped bananas and I figured, "hey! Banana bread! Why not?" so then I made banana bread.

Now the house smells like Thanksgiving and I'm sitting on the couch wishing it was 60* instead of 85*. Ah such is life.

Christmas a little early.

Two weeks ago a local photog who has taken pictures of a few of our events (including Layla's newborn photos) had mini sessions for Christmas. Of course I got in on that merry, jolly business and headed over to the beach (YES. the beach. remember we live VERY south) to meet Santa and take pictures.

Obviously you can tell by certain photos that we don't have to deal with snow, but we did sweat our asses off. & I'm sure there was more than one picture of me squinting from the sun, which is just sexy.

p.s the 2nd is my favorite but I think it was post meeting Santa for the first time & her facial expression says.it.ALL.

The first step out the door.

It's always the most difficult, but I never regret it.

My run tonight straight up sucked. I knew in my first .15 of a mile that the next 4.75 would be nothing short of hard. And they were. And I struggled. And I ran 12+ minute miles. And each step was more painful than the next. But... I ran. I kept going until my body gave out around the 3.5 mile mark. When my feet were heavy and I limped back home. I hated that I had to stop but reminded myself that I already got through the hardest part: getting out the door. So I took my 3.73 in 46 minutes and said, "okay. I'll do better tomorrow." And I will. I'll lace up my sneakers tomorrow like every other day and put every ounce that I have into those miles. Whether 2, 3, or 6... There's one thing I know I can do: get out the door, and that's half the battle.

Crib sheet -1. Tess -0.

There are few things in motherhood as difficult as changing a crib sheet while the mattress is on the lowest setting.

That damn crib sheet makes me feel like I fail at life. Seriously. I tuck under one side only for the other to pop up. WTF, crib sheet? Go ahead test my mommy skills why don't you.

So I pull the entire crib off the wall and get down to business. Lifting the crib bumper up and then the mattress and tucking that mothereffer of a sheet so far under the mattress it thinks it bought a one way ticket to mattress Australia. Don't mess with me crib sheet!

After fighting for a good 20 minutes and being more winded then when I run 5 miles, the crib sheet is on. I win! Until I realize that shit isn't on tight enough.... But it's on. Hahaha. I'm in denial - the crib sheet is mocking me.

I'll get you, sheet. One day. One day.

That time of year.

9pm. Quiet light filters the room. The smells of apple cider with mullen spices makes me nostalgic, and for a split second, when I close my eyes, I watch the wonder of my own childhood during this magical time of year.

As Layla lies next to me, her body still with sleep, I can't help but think what the holidays are going to look like through her eyes. The sheer joy, wonder and excitement that Christmas is about. I'm excited to have the privilege to experience what her life holds.





(ps sorry for the saptastic posts lately. My noodle is going to be a year old and I'm having a bit of a time coming to terms.)

November

So here we are. 16 days (not including today) till Layla's first birthday. We're just two weeks away and I'm already having heart palpitations. She is the most fabulous thing in my life and I still find myself looking at her and sincerely thinking, "wow. I get to keep her." Its that part of parenthood that never goes away. That feeling of undeniable love that fills your heart with overwhelming emotion. And there will always be a part of my heart that wishes she'd fit snugly and safely in my arms forever.

Happy Halloween!

Last year for Halloween I was all sorts of knocked up (about 35 weeks), so trick or treating was out of the question. Mr G and I opted for a quiet night at home with ice cream and Dexter reruns. This year was an entirely different story. We ate dinner and went out into our neighborhood to scout out delicious goodies. & we banked!! Layla loved trick or treating and by the 4th or 5th house was reaching out for the doorbell, giggling when someone came to the door and picked out her own candy! Here are some snap shots of tonight including one of my preggo butt from last year:

iFly

View of the ATC tower at my place of employment. Isn't the view awesome? Makes working on a Saturday night (thanks snow in October!) a little bit better.

That time of month.

When I wish I could fall asleep and wake up a week later. When I sit on the couch with my knees so tight to my chest that it becomes hard to relax my legs when I get up. That time of the month when my uterus straight up hates me - and I hate it just as much.

Every twinge of pain, every cramp, every scare on my tummy is a constant reminder of what I've been through and what I'll have to fight for the rest of my life. Each month has slowly become harder and more painful. I hear my body screaming for help from the inside. The pulling and burning ... The aches and stabbing. It's what Endometriosis is made of.

And as the pain gets worse and there's not much I can do (my new insurance put me on this awesome rider that won't cover preexisting conditions for a while), I feel helpless and often hopeless. Two emotions that I haven't felt in over two years. & every two years since I've been diagnosed I've had a lap and right now I can't and that's scary.

I think part of the fear and uncertainty is also stemming from Layla turning one in three weeks. Will she ever have a sibling? Will I ever be able to experience another pregnancy and the joy of a newborn? What does my fertility's future hold? Will that hysterectomy at 30 (which is 3 years away) hold strong? So many questions and limited to no answers.....But thats what Endometriosis is made of, & because of that I live by this single Bible verse:

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. - Hebrews 11:1

How I know I now have a toddler.